The Itchy Lot

WTF?! We paid $11---ELEVEN DOLLARS--a ticket to see Resident Evil: Apocalypse last night at the Bridge in West Philly. It was opening night, and we'd been looking forward to this sequel for a very long time. The movie was fantastic--or at least the parts we could hear were fantastic. WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT WATCHING A MOVIE INVOLVES AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION?!! Why do they talk and scream and laugh and hoot and make loud remarks about every single fucking thing that happens? Why do they think that everyone else wants to hear them? And why doesn't it happen in the suburbs? To be honest, I don't really care what the answer is to that last question, but i can promise that from now on we'll take every opportunity to see movies out at King of Prussia, or at the Lowes in Georgetown in DC where people are more polite.

There was one movie we went to see where these two girls were talking, and I finally turned around and said, "Could you please not talk; we're trying to watch the movie." And one of the girls actually had the fucking nerve to say (in a threatening tone, no less), "What did you just say to me?" I repeated my request, and she was about to say more, but her friend calmed her down and they basically stayed quiet for the rest of the movie. Lucky for her, too, because I happened to have a spare sausage patty and a Rottweiler in my bookbag (see next paragraph).

I don't know what the solution is. I'm told that in Europe, you are escorted from the theater if you talk during a film. Sounds very fair to me. Maybe the solution is to have different screenings: one marked "Loud Talking Permitted--Enter at your own Risk" and one marked "IF YOU FUCKING TALK DURING THIS MOVIE, WE'LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD." (Couldn't decide between that one and "shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!") I also favor a solution that uses several special microphones located throughout the theater to triangulate the location of people who talk above a certain decibel level. When such a person is detected, the movie screen goes blank, a loud whooping siren goes off, and a spotlight is trained directly on the violator, thus embarrassing him/her into not repeating this sort of activity. The violator is then escorted from the theater by armed guards and beaten liberally about the face and neck. The movie then continues.

I'm very open to other suggestions. Anyone?