The Itchy Lot

So all these athletes are taking steroids now. Uh-huh. Am I the only one who doesn't give a rat's ass?

First of all, let's say that everyone agrees that this is a big awful terrible thing. Well, the solution is quite simple: random (and regular) drug tests. The players generally oppose this solution, probably for the reason that it's so effective, but presumably because it invades their privacy. Many of these players make millions of dollars for running around in tight pants throwing a ball around or slapping a puck with stick. Jason Giambi's contract alone is worth $76 MILLION over the next four seasons. For that kind of dough, they doesn't deserve privacy. For that kind of money, the media should be allowed to put cameras in the locker room showers and broadcast them on the internet. Screw their privacy. For the kind of money they make, they can pee in a damn cup before every game (preferably while the media broadcast it on the internet, of course). In the interest of being open minded, however, we could also make the drug tests optional: pee in the cup and make your full salary, or don't pee in the cup and have your salary capped at $100,000 per year.

But the truth (for me, at least) is who cares if they ARE using steroids. Oh no! A bunch of men desperately trying to prove their masculinity and hang on to their rapidly waning youth by dressing up in tight pants and playing with balls and wooden sticks while whoring themselves out to advertisers for millions of dollars to let men desperate to find something to fill the void in their lives get drunk on coors and watch them, are taking steroids, thus risking shrinking of the testicles, reduced sperm count, infertility, baldness, developments of breasts, high blood pressure, jaundice, liver tumors, and cancer. Whatever shall we do?!

I'll tell you what you do: pick up the remote control and turn off your fucking television set, play with your kids, take your wife out to dinner, and start a hobby that doesn't involve frittering your life away sitting on your ass in front of the damn idiot box.