The Itchy Lot

The way I figure it, there are four types of republicans.

1. Greedy rich people. These are people who already have lots of money and want the government to leave them and their money alone so they can make more money, even if it's at the expense of other people. They have deluded themselves into thinking that the richer they get, the better off America is. "Yes! I just made my second billion! Now all those poor black people I have no connection to will have a better education, medical insurance, and a chance to become President one day!" Note that these people must be rich. If they vote Republican and they're greedy but poor, then they fall into group 3, "Unintelligent or extremely naive people."

2. Christians. These are people who think America is a Christian nation, and that God has chosen America to spread the gospel to the heathen nations of the world. Remember what Ann Coulter said (and continues to say) after 9-11: We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity. (Clearly our President agrees with her.) It brings a tear to my eye to hear such compassion. In fairness, there are many good Christians in our country who do not think that Jesus would have been an NRA member, but I gotta tell you: I certainly don't hear them speaking out against the evils that their "Christian" brethren are perpetrating in God's name. Seems to me that Jesus would've spoken out. But hey, what do i know, I'm not Christian. Why is it that the only activist "Christians" are the ones killing abortion doctors and protesting two loving people's legal right to get married? These are people who blindly believe George Bush when he claims to be Christian despite the fact he launched a pre-emptive war on a nation that he knew was not an imminent threat, killing over 100,000 Iraqis so far, despite the fact that he takes from the poor and gives to the wealthy, despite the fact that in one of the greatest humanitarian crises we've ever seen (the recent Tsunami, which has decimated various countries and left over 120,000 dead), George Bush stayed on vacation and didn't say a word until 3 days after the event, and when he did, it was to pledge an amount of money equal to what we spend in 5 hours in Iraq, only increasing that amount after being shamed by the UN. If that's Christianity, then I don't want to be Saved.

3. Unintelligent or extremely naive People. These are generally speaking poor, working-class people who believe the hype from the current administration that somehow sending American jobs overseas, making it harder to get a good education, slashing taxes for the rich while raising the tax burden on people who actually do work for a living, destroying the air we breathe and water we drink in the name of higher corporate profits, sending our sons and daughters overseas to kill innocent people in an unjust war based on lies the President told the American people, gutting the bill of rights, torturing prisoners and then trying to justify the torture of prisoners, hand over the tax dollars of hard-working Americans to religious institutions, perpetrating massive voter fraud, making life increasingly unpleasant and even dangerous for Americans overseas through unjust policies and strongarming weaker nations into joining the war in Iraq, destroying Social Security, and bankrupting America while simultaneously putting us at the financial mercy of countries like China will somehow improve the lives of the average citizen.

4. Mean Spirited People. These are racists, sexists, anti-semites, xenophobes, homophobes, and other assholes who vote in favor of policies that are detrimental to non-whites, immigrants, jews, foreigners, gay people, and women. Let's face it people: The Klan doesn't vote for democrats.

You could possibly include a 5th type of Republican, Gun nuts. These are people who demand an absolute right to any firearm they want. They seem to have no problem justifying ownership of an Uzi, Mac-19, or AK-47, presumably to go deer hunting or to protect themselves in the event of judgment day. However, I've never met a gun nut who wasn't also a member of one of the 4-above groups. If you're a gun nut, but you aren't mean spirited, greedy, stupid, or Christian, please let me know and I will amend my categorization.