Saturday, September 11, 2004

Why People Move Out of the City

WTF?! We paid $11---ELEVEN DOLLARS--a ticket to see Resident Evil: Apocalypse last night at the Bridge in West Philly. It was opening night, and we'd been looking forward to this sequel for a very long time. The movie was fantastic--or at least the parts we could hear were fantastic. WHY DO SO MANY PEOPLE THINK THAT WATCHING A MOVIE INVOLVES AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION?!! Why do they talk and scream and laugh and hoot and make loud remarks about every single fucking thing that happens? Why do they think that everyone else wants to hear them? And why doesn't it happen in the suburbs? To be honest, I don't really care what the answer is to that last question, but i can promise that from now on we'll take every opportunity to see movies out at King of Prussia, or at the Lowes in Georgetown in DC where people are more polite.

There was one movie we went to see where these two girls were talking, and I finally turned around and said, "Could you please not talk; we're trying to watch the movie." And one of the girls actually had the fucking nerve to say (in a threatening tone, no less), "What did you just say to me?" I repeated my request, and she was about to say more, but her friend calmed her down and they basically stayed quiet for the rest of the movie. Lucky for her, too, because I happened to have a spare sausage patty and a Rottweiler in my bookbag (see next paragraph).

I don't know what the solution is. I'm told that in Europe, you are escorted from the theater if you talk during a film. Sounds very fair to me. Maybe the solution is to have different screenings: one marked "Loud Talking Permitted--Enter at your own Risk" and one marked "IF YOU FUCKING TALK DURING THIS MOVIE, WE'LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD." (Couldn't decide between that one and "shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!") I also favor a solution that uses several special microphones located throughout the theater to triangulate the location of people who talk above a certain decibel level. When such a person is detected, the movie screen goes blank, a loud whooping siren goes off, and a spotlight is trained directly on the violator, thus embarrassing him/her into not repeating this sort of activity. The violator is then escorted from the theater by armed guards and beaten liberally about the face and neck. The movie then continues.

I'm very open to other suggestions. Anyone?

Friday, September 10, 2004

United States of eBay

Discussing recent less-than-appealing economic indicators, Dick Cheney recently pointed out that these indicators don't include people who sell tchotchkes on eBay. "That's a source that didn't even exist 10 years ago," Cheney told an audience in Cincinnati on Thursday. "Four hundred thousand people make some money trading on eBay." And we still have a deficit??? Let's go, Mr. Vice President--box up our B1 bombers and hop on the internet and SELL! SELL! SELL! (buyer pays all shipping costs. Insurance available on request. Deadbeat buyers beware: we will bomb your country, so don't bid if you don't plan on paying.) (photo from the AP)

update: Jonathan Edwards responds to Cheney's comment: "If we only included bake sales and how much money kids make at lemonade stands, this economy would really be cooking." I'm not sure if I laughed harder at the response, or at the original asinine statement itself.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Novel Idea

Sounds like good advice to me! But then, I'm a Democrat. (photo by me, from Times Square, or a Times Square-esque location in Manhattan)

Sight for Sore Eyes

Now *there's* something you don't see every day. god bless calvin klein. we really need more images of rim-jobs lining our public streets and by-ways. tossing's not just for gay men and prisoners anymore. almost makes me weep a little. that being said, i'm a little disappointed they hired this woman for the job. was my phone busy? hel-LO! try thinking of ME next time you're looking for someone to bury their face in some hot young stud's ass.

thanks to fleshbot for making me aware of this glorious image. photo from gawker, until someone can mail me a better version. (don't let me down, new yorkers!)

Something's Different

Is it just me, or did the floor of the 3rd fl. men's room taste a little different today?

and so it begins... this is my first entry. What do you think?